Kissing You Is Like Licking An Ashtray [entries|friends|calendar] yourworstdesire [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

tearing out my insides, just to make me a better person outside... [21 Nov 2005|11:02pm] [ mood | creative ] well, it's been a while.. i think the main reason i haven't really updated is because i haven't had a formal time to sit and think about everything that has really gone on. anyways, things are actually going fairly decent. not as well as most would hope, but well enough for my expectations. i just wish people wouldn't judge so harshly on what people wear or listen to, but more of what they do and say. that's just something i've always wanted to get out. i also have a myspace now. i'll give you guys the link if you want to check it out. www.myspace.com/vacanteyesandbrokenhearts drew a diagram of suicide

forever doesn't come fast enough [30 Oct 2005|10:50pm] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | Sense Field-"Burn" ] Why do i do these things to myself? Make myself seem more than i am. Be together with you just to feel worthwhile. Well, i'm finished with it. I'm done trying to make myself feel better, boosting my non-existent self-esteem, and having good times with the worst people. 2 s|drew a diagram of suicide

happiness dangles on a string that is growing thinner with every breath i take.. [21 Oct 2005|11:44pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | "You've Made Us Conscious"-theAUDITION ] well, i haven't updated in a while. there has really been nothing to say. school has started back and it's not that great. tonight was the game...i'm pretty sure we won, however i left early. it was decent. i didn't have as grand of a time i thought it would be. but i made do. the week has gone by fairly slow, fairly sad. i really don't want to go on. it feels like there is nothing left to do but spend each day what could've happened. these are my feelings of regret. i wish i hadn't done what i thought would work out best. if i could have it my way, we would be together. just together. doing absolutely nothing. sitting, staring, caring. we could watch movies and eat popcorn...kiss and hold hands. there's nothing worse than kisses on the lips of "just friends." some day, i know...everything will be right. everything will be in it's place. we'll be together and happy. i feel worth your while. we'll sit on benches in parks, waiting for the sunrise to leave its mark in hearts of young loves, together we'll wait, in love, in love. days would be so great, so grand. in jealousy we can sit, envying the music, pondering how it can control the way we think. hoping and dreaming, this is nothing but. things aren't great, aren't grand. the sunrise turns to sunset, the park has burned, the benches are ash. tick tock, on the clock. times almost up, hold your breath. drew a diagram of suicide

"i'm outside of your window..with my radio/ you are the only station that plays the song i know" [09 Oct 2005|10:36pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | "Yeah, No...I Know"- Boysnightout ] If i could only say the words that i've been meaning to say, life would be so great. or would it stay dark and grey. If i could have the one that i truly want it would make things so much easier. but life never goes as planned. so people don't say what they want and can't have what they want to have. unfortunately for me. i hold my tongue and i'm not as aggressive to get the one i want. so i'm stuck with mediocrity. and yet..i think i may be able to deal with it. for a while atleast. drew a diagram of suicide

my fingers couldn't work if they tried... [02 Oct 2005|10:20pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | "Lying Is The Most Fun"- Panic! at the disco ] well, this weekend was alright. i didn't get to talk to blakely. i lost her number...yeah, that was pretty bad. but luckily i got it back! well, on friday i went to the william blount game, which was so boring. saturday, i was at home all day by myself because my parents went to Atlanta to see Elton John in concert..exciting i know. and then there was today. i went to church with my neighbor, then to eat, and after that we came back home and my parents were here so then i went to my basketball game. we lost 34-36. and after that, i have been doing absolutely nothing..so now i am here. 1 |drew a diagram of suicide

[01 Oct 2005|10:12pm] this week has been pretty good. tests and more tests mainly, but nonetheless decent. i don't really know what else to say. so i'll be updating later on if anything cool happens 2 s|drew a diagram of suicide

screaming until my lungs burst... [25 Sep 2005|09:35pm] [ music | "Niki FM"- Hawthorne Heights ] I'VE DONE NOTHING THIS WEEKEND!! i'm getting tired of the nothingness. i want to do something exciting or something fun over a weekend rather than the same thing. over and over. drew a diagram of suicide

the days pass us by... [22 Sep 2005|10:10pm] [ music | "Red Is The New Black"-FFAF ] let's see here...i really haven't been doing much. yesterday i saw ben at target!..we've been redoing my room. it's pretty cool. i think sometime soon we are putting up some black and white photos that my step brother took. right now i am sitting at my computer watching Fresh Prince and listening to FFAF. i haven't listened to them in so long. daniel and i are fighting over whether Bright Eyes or Arcade Fire is better. Please comment and give your opinion. 4 s|drew a diagram of suicide

A new day brings new people [04 Sep 2005|10:21pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | Amber Pacific-"Thoughts Before Me" ] It's been a while, kids. I've met someone new. One that brings me happiness and always comforts me when i'm down. I don't know what else to say. It has actually been a surprisingly good school year, thus far. I still miss seeing the people i used to see every day. But you must go on and live in the present rather than always remember the past. 2 s|drew a diagram of suicide

So Fucking Useless!.. [06 Aug 2005|10:17pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | "She's Hearing Voices"-Bloc Party ] well, school started a few days ago. i am liking most of my classes so far. i didn't stay for all of Friday, though. I am lactose intolerent from all the medicine i had to take for my arm and i had a huge glass of milk before i went to school...so yeah. Today, i went over to Mason's and ate dinner. My sister went off to college early this morning. It's going to be quiet around the house now. My parents are coming back from moving her in tomorrow. So, yeah. There are hardly any cool 7th graders! It pisses me off too because most of the people in my grade are really immature. Tomorrow, I think i am going back over to Mason's to eat lunch or something. It's really lonely at the middle school when everyone you know leaves and everyone that stays doesn't really care. Atleast I only have one more year to put up with it. All the classes seem really easy so that makes it go by a little faster but we also haven't started anything yet. Well this turned out to be a lot of complaining rather than just informing. drew a diagram of suicide

[16 Jul 2005|01:43am] Oh yeah, THE NEW HARRY POTTER BOOK IS NOW IN STORES....BITCHES. I won't be updating until I finish the book. So, I'll talk to you later. Have a good weekend. drew a diagram of suicide

if i said i hated this feeling, it would be a lie [16 Jul 2005|01:31am] [ mood | excited ] [ music | "Goodbyes"-JamisonParker ] Well, i feel great. I just got back from Atlanta. We went down on Tuesday and shopped and what not. OH! I had the Greatest cappucino from Starbucks at Lennox. I got some new stuff, jeans..jacket..shirts. I talked to Marie some while I was down there. I really like her. She knows it too, but I'm not sure if she really understands how much. I'm supposed to call her tomorrow, see if we can do anything. This trip to Atlanta was kind of what I needed. I just hung out by myself a good bit. It really gave me a chance to just sit and think. I enjoy being alone. Almost more than being with a group of people. But nothing beats the one on one conversations with the one you truly care about. I love these two songs... The lyrics are a great way to contrast the way i have been feeling lately. "Your Song" Tonight I'd rather be in love rather it was you flowing through my blood scraping through my veins my everything and you cling to every thread that clings to me I live in notes and photographs and everything I'm holding back but you're the words that weren't enough you remind me of a song I used to love I couldn't call you if I wanted my fingers couldn't work if they tried they're so sore from keeping crossed and tracing over cuts on my worthless arms if I said "I hated the feeling" it would be a lie I live in notes and photographs and everything I'm holding back but you're the words that weren't enough you remind me of a song I used to love I live in notes and photographs and everything I'm holding back but you're the words that weren't enough you remind me of a song I used to love "Here's Everything I've Always Meant To Say" Just be in love and I’ll kiss you like you’ve always wanted Just close your eyes, I’ll still live as if I’m dying If I don’t make your heart skip a beat then hate me If I don’t make you feel anything than it’s me I just want you to feel beautiful For once in your life I just want you to feel beautiful For once in your life Just close your eyes and I’ll kiss you like there’s no tomorrow If I don’t make your heart skip a beat then hate me If I don’t make you feel anything then it’s me I just want you to feel beautiful For once in your life I just want you to feel beautiful For once in your life So sleep now, so deep in static Drifting in the shadows Hold me close to the fourwall headlights And TV screens I just want you to feel beautiful For once in your life drew a diagram of suicide

[12 Jul 2005|12:26am] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | "Here's Everything I've Always Meant To Say"- JamisonParker ] i want out of this. i'm tired of being the one that is always shot down. i've seen all i want to see. i've done all i've wanted to do. i've had everything that i wanted. i just want out of this life of hurt. i want to open up to her. i really do, but i doubt she will even care. i might as well give up. there is no more hope anymore. i have to get away. i know i complain alot, but it's the only way i can get my emotions out of me. even self-infliction has no effect. i can't wait until the day comes when i open a relationship that doesn't come to an end so quickly it never even has a memory. all i get into are relationships that are doomed from the start. i have to tell her. i'm going to tell her. no, she'll never know, never care. i hope you all have great times in your great fucking relationships. drew a diagram of suicide

[11 Jul 2005|11:46pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | "The Mistress and the Matadors"- The Stiletto Formal ] today was a boring day. i can't really even tell you what i did because i literally did absolutely nothing. 4 days, 1 hour, 13 minutes until Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. drew a diagram of suicide

joke me something awful..like kisses on the lips of just friends [11 Jul 2005|02:21am] [ mood | melancholy ] [ music | "Do You Remember"- Jack Johnson ] i just got back from auburn, alabama today. we took my sister down to meet the people she will be living with. it has been a pretty mellow summer, except for lately. i am just hoping i can cherish the little time of break we have left. it's gotten kind of depressing lately...seeing the somber breeze through the trees just knowing that soon the time of sitting outside thinking to yourself is slipping away. days seem too long to make good time of anything...everything you do feels too short to live with. like everything is just a waste of time. i really need to get out of this house. this whole summer i've been stuck with my family. i need to get away from my entire family for a week or two, if i could. they are all just a skip of a heartbeat. well, there is some good news. i am getting a computer up in my room this week. i think my step-dad is going to pick it up tomorrow...so, now i don't have to fight with my mom over the computer. i hate the feeling before school, you know. the anticipation of seeing all your friends but also the dread of going back to teachers who are there just to get paid. well guys, i do believe it is timeless to say...it is pretty late. so i'm off to bed. 4 days, 22 hours, 39 minutes until Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Approximately 4 months until "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" movie comes to theatres i hate patience. drew a diagram of suicide

[07 Jul 2005|12:50am] i got back from the beach yesterday night. the week went fairly well, i got to see my cousin who i haven't seen in 5 years which is really cool. my mom doesn't like him too much. she is always talking about the many ways he has screwed up his life. he was in a car wreck 8 years ago and crushed his left leg, he now has bone missing from that leg. he still surfs, though. the doctors still want him to just aputate his leg, but he refuses. 6 days, 11 hours, 7 minutes until Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. 1 |drew a diagram of suicide

[26 Jun 2005|09:48pm] [ music | "Mr. Brightside"-The Killers ] i'm headed to the beach tomorrow, so i won't be updating for a while. that's all you need to know peace. 20 days, 2 hours, 13 minutes until Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince drew a diagram of suicide

[24 Jun 2005|10:14pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | "Hold On Tightly, Let Go Lightly"-Boysnightout ] well, here we go again. trying to tell the folks that don't care what we do. today was a boring day. tomorrow, my family is scheduled to take our boat out sometime, that should be some fun to add to this nothingness of a summer. days pass and days come, all to fast. everyday i look back on just seems to be a blur. i am starting a countdown just to give me something to tell you guys. 21 days, 1 hour, 40 minutes until Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is released. peace to all drew a diagram of suicide

[23 Jun 2005|09:15pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | "My First Kiss At The Public Execution"-The Blood Brothers ] hey kids. hope everything is going great with everyone. i just got back from auburn yesterday. my mom and i took her down for her college orientation. anyways...i'm soo bored, nothing to do, nothing to say. drew a diagram of suicide

[19 Jun 2005|10:20pm] [ music | "Smile Like You Mean It" ] oh, these last few weeks have been lonely. no one there to listen when you need to tell the secrets that have lurked in your shadow for months and months of nothing but black and white memories. i haven't really talked to anybody since school has closed, which has torn me up. i really don't like being alone..i have come to realise this in the past weeks. eventually it has come to the point of paranoia. the only thing i seem to have to look forward to is the opening of school as the seventh month fades into eight. i don't want to go back but it's something that must be done by all. i found out recently that i may be going to webb at the start of ninth grade. woo! maybe that will help rid me of all these southern baptist ways of life. but i'm just hopelessly hopeful. peace to all. 2 s|drew a diagram of suicide

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